I am done.

Well everyone that read my blog knows I am pretty spirited person.. I state my opinion quickly, I am blunt and I can be very cold heartted, too them that are in my inner circle seen me bend over backwards for them.. I don't care where i am in life I will make sure you laugh, feel better with in yourself.. People can come to me and just poor themselves onto me and I sit there and listen and do what i can to help them. But, to most general population.. I am very cold, very blunt and very Polite if i have too be... People that know me real well has seen both sides of me ridden the horror I went threw and the ones that are still there for me knows I am not really a cold hearted bitch... too them people.. I love you so much and you are the most wonderful people on this earth...

Well years of hell has taught me not to trust not to love and not like people in general... Let me give you the insite of my life so far..

I raised with a very cold mother while i was a child.. granted that woman divorced my father worked two jobs to keep my brother and I barely alive... I give her props on that ... about it I guess ... My mother taught me that men only on this earth for there money.. I was breathing because my father had money and she wanted it.. She never really liked me since i was born.. she kept reminding me that all threw my life after paying shit loads of my child support on her animals .. my brother and I ate rotten food, slept in very awful conditions because my mother couldn't hold down a permanent place to live due to her addiction to her animals.. did i tell you my mother used fear to raise my brother and I? she beat the shit out of me mainly and my brother was golden.. like i said my mother hated me. I was sent to the state of WA after my mother said "fuck it she useless to me now" still remember that statement.. I went to my foster parents (my brother great grandparents) and one day my mother told me (her final act of hatred for me) "you are no longer my daughter" this after i didnt obey her to clean out her fucking bird cage(two things that i hated every second they where alive) ... I had to go to school that day.. so now you're getting the drift here my mother hit me with a slotted stew spoon (its for cooking soups for like a restaurant long thick steel) i turned so fast the spoon connected on my right hip to this day I have the three scars to remind me of this this.. Mind you I didnt cry all i did was screamed so damned loud 4 blocks could of heard me.. anywhos my grandmother came in while she was going to strike me once more and said "what are you doing" don't ever mess with a full blooded German woman they are evil as sin when pissed lol anywhos I told my mother after she screamed for the second time "you are no longer my daughter " I looked her dead in the eye (before i had to go out to catch the bus for school mind you) "my mother taught me not to talk to strangers, you are a stranger could you please leave?" That was the day I became cold hearted to people... because the look of pure hurt and seeing my mother shatter into a million pieces was well worth saying that too her.. and thats the day I would NEVER become someone like her. I was only 10 years old.

I became many things before I hit 18 but never did i be that cruel to anyone like my mother was like too me.. I couldnt stand being around her even when I went to a treatment center for teens (2 years 2 days and 12 hours ) I went on my own and lived with my father after i hit 17 .. My father is many things .. I love my father dearly but he never was in my life really since i was a 6 months old ... then the state of WA banned him to see me or be near me until was 18 so 8 years my father never seen me.. so much distance my father toot his day blames himself for my mothers actions... and I keep telling him I forgave him long ago and I love him very much. Still he cant forgive himself...

anyways I became one them girls that would help out troubled guys ... it was my mission to help someone to make them feel better and give them advice on almost everything they asked.. I have even help support men in return was hoping they will give me the same thing in return.. years and years of failing (scars mental emotional and physical to prove it) I started thinking i was put on this earth to get used and tossed away. So i accepted that so I did what i always do.. help other people unconditional love and always loyal to thoughs that needed it.. and when they where done with me i did accept then tossing me out ...

Until August 6th of 2011.. that day right there was a slap in the face (pun intended ) to wake me the fuck up and grow the fuck up.. years of going to school taking pychology and i became something that I swore i wouldnt be.. a victim .. a coward of a person to allow someone to physicaly hurt me with out my consent... my ex that I knew for many years doubled up his fist and hit me... so hard that broke my right eye socket in 6 different places.. while i was down huddled in a fetal position he was kicking me with his steel toed boots broke all my upper left teeth... I layed there... not a tear.. no fear I WAS DONE.. i started laughing at him... I was so pissed I could of killed him seriously he was deathly scared of me by then.. most people would beg for there lives.. I told him get the fuck away from me.. or I will kill you .... he back away while i tried to get up.. I got up real slow and he ran to his room... I was done.. I was about murder someone I was so fucking pissed... I walked into the bathroom looked at my face and he heard a deathly demonic growl come from my lips.. I look at him with that cold death like stare .... I couldnt feel my right side of my face.. my jaw was out of place (found out that the bone joint was broken along with my eye socket he came 2 CENTIMETERS OF KILLING ME  due to the shattered eye socket bone was pressing on my temple) I grabbed his phone and called his wife(he was legally separated at the time) and told her i needed to go to the ER ... since that day.. I changed... deathly change that people could see...

all these years ... I have taken a lot of shit and abuse.. why because my childhood never had love nor honor... I know that now... to make sure of that. i went out with a guy that tired to kill me the second time (almost a joke now ) and i almost killed him seriously because NO ONE is going to lay a hand on me again and i am not going to run like a little fucking victim(no offense if you been or going threw domestic abuse).. I am going to stand up and not allow this shit to come back into my life.. I had enough of it to being used.. not being loved.. not being respected, not being me...

So today I sit here.. pretty pissed.. Mike and I live with two roommates that finally showed there true colors .. One is a Tweeker masturbating idiot roommate.. the other one.. is just a fucking anther useless person that dose not need to breath my air. Yeah the "cool " roommate.. Naah he fucked up the final time with me... He drinks more then he breaths .. and he dose not like to pay his bills on time .. like our Comcast bill(our internet/cable bill) .. Mike and I struggle to keep food in our tummies to pay this guy (he is the main rent holder ) I mean its too the point we can barely survive on this income because no one in the house like to keep food in the kitchen, mike and I need to make sure the kitchen is cleaned because all of sudden my roommates have broken hands... anywhos Mike been giving out main rent holder 550.00 every month as agreed.. you would think that would insure us to have full function of the house right? LMAO (sarcastic) nope last month my main rent holder and holder of all the bills "forgot " to pay the Bills last month... why? because he wants to go on a trip (his 10 day paid vacation)and straight lied to Mike and I and his cousin to our faces yesterday (when he gotten home from his 10 day vacation) and because he drank most of his last paycheck he is going use the money Mike and I gave him and his cousins money to pay for this trip... 4 days ago we get our Internet and cable shut off and a 10 day notice to pay our elct or its gonna be shut off ... shocker ... instant pissed ... because no one will talk to Mike about the bills nor me... WHY IN THE FUCK  should he do that? we just give him money and clean the house and feed him right, oh did i neglect too tell you his cousin children are well fed and making sure they are happy every weekend they are here.. you know mike and I do this right? Mike and I know he used our rent money for his trip ... Mike and I struggling to keep a float ... and him he buys his beer always take outs and WE PAID HIS VACATION! Yep i am finally done being nice... Mike and I are going use our hard earned money put it too the side and save ... we are going to buy a house.. I am dead on getting it done.. every month we will go to comcast and ect and water/trash people and pay for our share of them bills then give him the left over money we owe him... dose not like that ?? this is NOT MY FUCKING PROBLEM! I am done being nice to people like him... I feel like i am forced to take care of these people when I AM HERE FOR MIKE!!! wrong wrong wrong !!!! fed up and if they want a cent more from me they can go prostitute themselves on the nearest street corner. I dont have it....

So if you finally gotten threw this long winded blog.. I want to give some advice.. this too them people that are scared to stand up for themseves or too shy, low self asteme ect... stop... I was there, been there, done that.. I was there to be a punching bag and a push over.. its not healthy for you.. Be you.. stand up for you... if you have children do it for yourself so your children can see "hey if mommie/daddy can do it i can too" always strive a step higher then your goal... always find something to fight for .. do it for you not none else.. for the love of gods that are holy exspress yourself!!! you have right to say no or fuck you... I know you do.... Never accept what is.. change it.. stand up for yourself ... Be that person I know you can be... Be a freak its fun when people stare at you with that look.. laugh.. laugh when you think you have nothing.. because you always have something... Never put yourself in a corner always find a way out .. never is one answer to anything... Live happilly dont allow anyone to change you.. its not worth it... always honor thoughs people that are there for you thick and thin... get rid of the retards that bring you down.. never accpet what is if you are not happy with it CHANGE IT.. this is your life you deserve happiness and love... if you dont have that go out and find it and dont stop until you do!!! Be good to youself