And my opinion is?

Hello peeps

very deadly question with me "Becky what is your opinion?" the people that know me real well knows thats not a question you want me to answer unless you truly want me to answer that. So, if they dont want my opinion then they dont ask. They dont even hint for that opinion. and always do i stay quiet until someone falls for it .. they truly find out how i really think and they look at me with that "wow" look. Or they get offended lol.. thats when I laugh at them and tell them if you didnt want to know then dont fucking ask.

Well today I am asking myself for my own opinion on whats going with me.  If you dont want to know.. then dont read. Yes, yes, i got drama fucks (mIkes mother,Janova, and Jen) Wooo think i would forget my drama fucks? Nope ... so if you get offended you drama fucks DONT READ! and if you dare to use this against Mike I will take action (because you are putting me in your all lives when i stated clearly I am out of it). I have every right to express how I feel. Just i cant act on it unless i am willing to to go to jail.today I just wish not to go to jail or have Mike loose his chance with his children (yes Jen I know you will be pathetic and try to use this against him.) So, I will take this a bit further to insure mike will not be harmed. I will be n.... n.... fuck I cant say that word with out a very nasty taste in my mouth, and feeling the cover of fake trying to choke me. It starts with an N and ends with an e .. figure it out. Oh yeah this is not causing drama. remind yourselves YOU ARE ON MY BLOG and it states numerous times ... dont read if you get easily offended. these are my rants these are my thoughts. NO ONE can say nothing to me to make it "right." THIS IS MY FORM OF RELEASING WHATS ON MY FUCKING MIND! so I can have a healthier life with Mike.

So, with that, lets get on with it. Since i been in Denver I been with Mike.. Mike was a hot mess in emotions trust and so forth do to his past. also he was in the middle of an divorce. I know how hard that is especially when it involves children. I watched Mike helped him unconditionally gave him the love he needed and picked up his shattered heart and pieced it together with his help. The only thing I wanted from him.. His love. He FREELY gave it too me. Mike is and will always be my soul mate and my best friend. We are very close. Like we can look at each other and say nothing and nod our heads or laugh at something that we both though together... or one is silent other other just answers a silent question .. this how close we are. But I always tell him I am not paid enough to read minds lol ... we joke we laugh we ague we are all over each other but the bottom line is we love each other. He 100% trusts me and I him. I will do almost anything for this man. I have watched him shatter in font of me due to his ex thinking she had control of him and telling him he cant talk the his children. I saw it and I was PISSED.. I walked him threw it carefully and healed him. Saying nothing to him just went threw hell with him. (my snarky thought on that, I was due on rent in hell needed to pay it.. so might as well go down with Mike and say hello) Mike can even take me out and his friends like me! We go out and ENJOY everything. All of his old friends (while he was married to Jen) even said I was way better I mean like 100 times better then her. All I said was "if you have nothing nice to say, mutter it under your breath while walking away." Never is Jen ever mentioned while Mike takes me out (bi weekly) we actually look and act like we been married for years..

Oct 3rd 2013 Mike and I are in our new place (with an amazing roommate and her dog) We gotten the best present in our lives. He was FINALLY legally divorced. Both of us partied like it was 1999 (not one illegal drug was smoked,shot up, or snorted we where drunk fun people in our own home!). It was finally over. his worse fear was loosing all contact with his children. he was so pissed she even thought of doing such evilness and when he read that he has HALF of the responsibilities with his children HE CRIED he knew that he now can be fully happy again. I can only make him happy so far. But his blood children can take him the rest of they way. Though, knowing how this going to go. He has that hidden fear she will do that shit again. He is trying so hard to comply with the court order with out just loosing it.. He leans on me and I un dieing give him what he needs. Loyal me to a fault.

Because the trip to hell was not a good trip for me. Stress has boiled to the top and is threatening to biol over. Mike finally gotten a hold of Jen and with MIke's word for word He asked me to type her a email. MIND YOU this is was what Mike wanted. Thus he couldn't word it they way it needed. Mike gets home the next day and she STARTED in on him with her manipulation and knows he didnt type it and this how its going to go and your opinion, wants, and your life, don't matter. and his email was threatening. she told him take it or you dont see or talk to your children. (this is how i read it) from the GET GO she started in on her shit. and the get go Mike complied to it because of the fear .... she played him. He accepted.

I am not in this.. unless it affect my relationship with Mike. I sat here for now two days crying because i will not put myself in this. I MUST detach from it. there is no maybe its happening.. black and white... Mike will handle this on his own I cant protect him.. I will not hear it either. Unless Mike goes back to the broken self and i know its harming him and them children. Thats when I will step in. He needs to deal with it. I am not going to repeat the last 6 month of hell. I cant mentally put up with it. I have given Mike a gift most women think they have when married to men... his balls.. his thoughts his way of life. He knows whats needs to happen.. I TRUST him to do the right thing and not play further the game and dont allow the fear to come between him and his children. He knows now that if he cant see or talk to his children he knows exactly what needs to be done. He made it clear to her and who ever likes to stick there noses in this.. that he is there for his children and if you fuck with that the state will deal with them. this is including Jen. All he wants is to see hear and talk to his children.. nothing more.

Mike agreed that every single email everything that happens with Jen and them children will be documented. This is the only way to make sure the court order is law... I will not step in .. If i have the phone and she calls. She is in the phone now (again) I will not answer it. If she starts her shit with mike I am not going to sit there and bash her... remind yourself this is all documented. and I just waiting for that day. Believe or not I dont read Mikes emails nor his FB unless he posts something.. His life is that HIS until I have to step in I wont. and ITS KILLS ME I am just going to shut down I know me.. and it will be hard on Mike because I am done and I am not going go threw the stress again .. and that part of me will be cold heartless and Mike is not going to like it it.. But i have too to keep it level. 

So with that, be good to yourselves

Attention: News Flash!!!!.... I DONT GIVE A SHIT!!!!!

Just wow... seriously? How many more times do I need to tell you all THIS IS MY RANT I dont give two gay rats asses what you think.. you get offended? you make me laugh... Not my problem.. You get pissy I say what people fear to say?? again I laugh... I am not the one that will hold your hand tell you everything is going to be ok.. I dont give two gay rats asses if you sit there and cry because I say "mean" things about you.. you need to start looking into yourself and ask yourself "what did i do to piss her off?"

Why this blog is written today is because of Mike mother... and a few others that get offended.. I am going to ask every single one of you that get butt hurt... do you think for one moment I wouldnt say this shit to your face... ROTFLMAO! please... my family and close friends knows I will .. But when people like Mike and a few close friends of mine tell me to be nice too you.. I respect and love them too much to say something.. Mike knows why I write this shit out.... If i dont I will go to jail for harming the people that annoy me... I came far in my fucking life and know Jail is not where i want to be.. SO WRITING IS NOT AGAINST THE LAW!!! you take it WRONG its not my problem... You all live in the deslution of everything is going to be ok or my fave one is that people fear you because you talk big... I am not afraid to speak my mind and I am so not afraid to stand up too you and say whats on my mind either... all you are going to do is bring me here and write it out... You all that annoy the fucking shit out of me live in pure drama you live like that and think and try so hard fucking hard to bring everyone around you in your pathetic circle down with you... and people like you all make me sick ..

As for Mikes Mother.. I know exactly why you read my blog to try to extract info about me.. go ahead go right the fuck ahead.. as I far as I am concerned Mikes mother.. read all of it soak it up.. My opinon and dislike for you runs deep.. I never once hidden that fact with Jacky nor Mike... You have cause more harm to the two people I truly love then most people dose in there life time.. You affected there lives for the bad.. and all I gotta say I DONT GIVE TWO GAY RATS ASSES IF YOU DONT LIKE ME.. you blew up that bridge with me with C4 WAY BEFORE Mike came into my life..... I am the one that taught your daughter to be a girl not a hooker I was the one that had to take her to the store and buy her things TO TAKE CARE OF HERSELF!!! I was always there for her when you should of been! so do not sit there and complain to Mike why you dont like me.. You think controling people will get your way and you always right? LMAO Mike has warned you numerus times.. just drop it.. he dose not want to hear it.. You dont even come into my convos because I DONT LIKE YOU witch means you mean nothing to me but a a annoying girl... and you consistently lie to Mike .. Mike dose not want to hear it.. I have caught you in so many freaken lies you cant keep track of them.... Dont be fake with me .. if you dont like me then DO NOT MENTION ME be a woman and stop with your drama.. I never ever told Mike not to talk to you nor have a relationship with you.. He makes his own choices and decides when he sees fit... so with that you are dropped.. from this day forth I will stop Mike even mentioning your name.. I don't even want to hear it... You can try all day long to control the fight.. girl I more stubborn... I will not give you the time of day... as far as I am concerned Mikes mother is Page.... and Mind you I love her like a mother in law.. and if Mike invites you to my wedding then that on him.. But i don't want you there. and that there was never hidden from Mike.. I have common respect for you.. which case if i don't like you I stay away from you say nothing about you.. If i have to be near you silence from me.. dont even try with me.. all you are going to get is this brick wall....

So thats out of the way ... this is a warning to EVERY SINGLE IDIOT THAT ANNOYS ME this is what I do when I have to be FORCED to be near you and I HAVE TO be nice too you... you are now warned

Be good to yourself

Family (blood) we didnt ask to be related.

 Bare in mind my cousin did NOT PUT ME UP TOO THIS ENTRY OF THIS BLOG she had no clue what i think or i will do if shit dose not end. I alone will take responsibility for every single god damned word posted here tonight.

I want to touch bases on my blood family.. 90% of my father's side of the family can rot a fucking die so I can finally live.. but there is the very few of you that I still talk too with out wanting to kill you. Yes we have our way of life.. we have total different way of life ... but still I love you guys and I will always be there if you need me.

My cousin Marcie (no one really calls her that anymore... I am just too old and stubborn to call her by her real name LOL) this blog is for you .. I want to let you know me and you get a long every once in while ... You and I fight like sisters (you are my sister I never had.. not my blood cousin) we grew up in a real messed up way of life.. You walked a life I couldn't even bare to think of walking threw. You have a mother even throw she is real head case she had no choice to bring you up the way she did. In result you live to this day a very messed up life.. I tried my best to be there for you Marcie.. But you are momma's girl. I seriously cant stand your mother (my aunt) that woman is a vile woman she is about as bad as my mother. she feeds off your Misery Marcie and she wants you to take care of her ... Personally? you need to kick her ass to a home for the deranged .... But you wont... you think you owe it too her.. Hon you owe her nothing...Now I said my mind on this its time for the people fucking with you .. I am going to say something.. and you know me I act upon my action soon or later Marcie to please send this to your ex and his fucking crew.

My cousin has children she loves more then her own life.. I remember when her fist was born.. I was there.. I was also there when her first born had to have surgery to get a mass that was behind her heart out.. we all where so worried about our Tatter bug.. I just gave birth to my first son ... But i was there for her.. watched her almost loose her daughter .. I fought and preyed that Tatter bug would live... and she did.. she thrives and loves life.. My cousin went threw hell with her oldest daughter. I was not there for her second daughter ... But I was in the "shadows" when she married the father.. I been watching and I been saying nothing .. They been married for a bit (dont ask me dates Marcie LOL I dont give two gay rats asses ) and now my cousin is pregnant with her third child... FINALLY a boy we all been wanting from my cousin.. no sooner then that it was confirmed my cousin has do deal with a very pathetic side of her husband.. HE CHEATED! (cheating when you dont tell your other half you are fucking some other person) on my cousin and got this whore pregnant and DID NOT TELL my cousin.. then I found out this fucktard almost hit one of her children and in result my cousin Marcie DEFENDED her child and gotten pushed hard into the wall (by her husband and yes she is pregnant) then act of a coward  the father took her second daughter to Everett WA ... Kidnapped her shit you not ... My cousin was freaking out (I imagine) pregnant and SHE HAS TO STILL WORK yes people my cousin works and she will work all threw her pregnancy .. she now a single mother she has to work while pregnant ... My cousin is a fighter... I am very proud of her .... anyways her second daughter was found.. brought back too her..

Now you know this drama I been sitting here reading my FB statements from my cousin protecting her in my own little ways... I am reading constantly about how people disapprove of my cousins actions.. Let me say my piece... Bitches get the fuck off of her.. You're all pissing me the fuck off ... You dont know my cousin like i do you are not there wondering worrying about her and her well being FOR GODS SAKE THE WOMAN IS PREGNANT! all you doing is going making her brother and I come unglued and will show a level of fucked up crazy that you never forget. You sit there and judge her like you know her.. You dont. you where, and still will never ever feel and see what that woman went threw, and is going threw.. she already stressing and struggling to be a great mother with the income she makes.. SHE IS TRYING her fucking hardest to make shit right! and all you're doing fucking with my god damned family.. You made that choice Brian to be a fucking coward and walk away and do stupid shit.. Now you're being a fucking bitch ass pussy and sicking your crew on my cousin.. Bitch.. My cousin knows how fucking crazy I am and a temper to match it... I am heading to Portland.. if you are anyware in my FUCKING city better yet bitch if you are anyware in my fucking state... I will hunt your pathetic ass down and show you how much i hate fucking dead beat fathers that attacks a pregnant woman and comes after children! I will end your ass if you keep messing with my cousin... that goes with your pathetic crew that supports your fucking pathetic ass.. I will take them out and then hunt you down like a coward you are... YOU FUCKED WITH THE WRONG FUCKING FAMILY ASSWHOLE! I will go back into my old life just to just end you... I have huge connections over there that is more then happy to end you like a accident.. so even though I live in CO .. watch your fucking back bitch because I will always be one step ahead of you.. I dont like you better yet you're just one more fucking tard that is consuming my air.... This is NOT no ware near a fucking threat bitch this is a promise I dont do threats asswhole they are meaningless ... You are not my family.. and I dont give two gay god damned rats asses what my cousin did too you. You had it fucking coming Brian.. My cousin is weird and off a bit (say it with love Marcie lol) BUT whatever she says or did too you SHE HAD FUCKING REASON! so run.. run as fast you can.. please go to WA Everett because i know many people there.. Just remind yourself.. I am no are near as nice as my cousin. She wants you in her kids life.. Me you dont deserve to breath there air.... and have no qualms going to jail to end you.... See I told you I am a hole different level of crazy.... Just remind youself this .. the only person that can yell,bitch and be mean to Marcie.. is me. BECAUSE I AM RELATED TOO HER SHE IS MY COUSIN! you have no right to even mention her name let alone your two kids she is raising... STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY FAMILY! Shut the fuck up and move on to anther victim .. My cousin can and will raise your child with love.. she has us family too help her if she stumbles.. we got her...

so now i feel a bit better.. be good to yourself Marcie you are loved and I will come and see your son born..

I am done.

Well everyone that read my blog knows I am pretty spirited person.. I state my opinion quickly, I am blunt and I can be very cold heartted, too them that are in my inner circle seen me bend over backwards for them.. I don't care where i am in life I will make sure you laugh, feel better with in yourself.. People can come to me and just poor themselves onto me and I sit there and listen and do what i can to help them. But, to most general population.. I am very cold, very blunt and very Polite if i have too be... People that know me real well has seen both sides of me ridden the horror I went threw and the ones that are still there for me knows I am not really a cold hearted bitch... too them people.. I love you so much and you are the most wonderful people on this earth...

Well years of hell has taught me not to trust not to love and not like people in general... Let me give you the insite of my life so far..

I raised with a very cold mother while i was a child.. granted that woman divorced my father worked two jobs to keep my brother and I barely alive... I give her props on that ... about it I guess ... My mother taught me that men only on this earth for there money.. I was breathing because my father had money and she wanted it.. She never really liked me since i was born.. she kept reminding me that all threw my life after paying shit loads of my child support on her animals .. my brother and I ate rotten food, slept in very awful conditions because my mother couldn't hold down a permanent place to live due to her addiction to her animals.. did i tell you my mother used fear to raise my brother and I? she beat the shit out of me mainly and my brother was golden.. like i said my mother hated me. I was sent to the state of WA after my mother said "fuck it she useless to me now" still remember that statement.. I went to my foster parents (my brother great grandparents) and one day my mother told me (her final act of hatred for me) "you are no longer my daughter" this after i didnt obey her to clean out her fucking bird cage(two things that i hated every second they where alive) ... I had to go to school that day.. so now you're getting the drift here my mother hit me with a slotted stew spoon (its for cooking soups for like a restaurant long thick steel) i turned so fast the spoon connected on my right hip to this day I have the three scars to remind me of this this.. Mind you I didnt cry all i did was screamed so damned loud 4 blocks could of heard me.. anywhos my grandmother came in while she was going to strike me once more and said "what are you doing" don't ever mess with a full blooded German woman they are evil as sin when pissed lol anywhos I told my mother after she screamed for the second time "you are no longer my daughter " I looked her dead in the eye (before i had to go out to catch the bus for school mind you) "my mother taught me not to talk to strangers, you are a stranger could you please leave?" That was the day I became cold hearted to people... because the look of pure hurt and seeing my mother shatter into a million pieces was well worth saying that too her.. and thats the day I would NEVER become someone like her. I was only 10 years old.

I became many things before I hit 18 but never did i be that cruel to anyone like my mother was like too me.. I couldnt stand being around her even when I went to a treatment center for teens (2 years 2 days and 12 hours ) I went on my own and lived with my father after i hit 17 .. My father is many things .. I love my father dearly but he never was in my life really since i was a 6 months old ... then the state of WA banned him to see me or be near me until was 18 so 8 years my father never seen me.. so much distance my father toot his day blames himself for my mothers actions... and I keep telling him I forgave him long ago and I love him very much. Still he cant forgive himself...

anyways I became one them girls that would help out troubled guys ... it was my mission to help someone to make them feel better and give them advice on almost everything they asked.. I have even help support men in return was hoping they will give me the same thing in return.. years and years of failing (scars mental emotional and physical to prove it) I started thinking i was put on this earth to get used and tossed away. So i accepted that so I did what i always do.. help other people unconditional love and always loyal to thoughs that needed it.. and when they where done with me i did accept then tossing me out ...

Until August 6th of 2011.. that day right there was a slap in the face (pun intended ) to wake me the fuck up and grow the fuck up.. years of going to school taking pychology and i became something that I swore i wouldnt be.. a victim .. a coward of a person to allow someone to physicaly hurt me with out my consent... my ex that I knew for many years doubled up his fist and hit me... so hard that broke my right eye socket in 6 different places.. while i was down huddled in a fetal position he was kicking me with his steel toed boots broke all my upper left teeth... I layed there... not a tear.. no fear I WAS DONE.. i started laughing at him... I was so pissed I could of killed him seriously he was deathly scared of me by then.. most people would beg for there lives.. I told him get the fuck away from me.. or I will kill you .... he back away while i tried to get up.. I got up real slow and he ran to his room... I was done.. I was about murder someone I was so fucking pissed... I walked into the bathroom looked at my face and he heard a deathly demonic growl come from my lips.. I look at him with that cold death like stare .... I couldnt feel my right side of my face.. my jaw was out of place (found out that the bone joint was broken along with my eye socket he came 2 CENTIMETERS OF KILLING ME  due to the shattered eye socket bone was pressing on my temple) I grabbed his phone and called his wife(he was legally separated at the time) and told her i needed to go to the ER ... since that day.. I changed... deathly change that people could see...

all these years ... I have taken a lot of shit and abuse.. why because my childhood never had love nor honor... I know that now... to make sure of that. i went out with a guy that tired to kill me the second time (almost a joke now ) and i almost killed him seriously because NO ONE is going to lay a hand on me again and i am not going to run like a little fucking victim(no offense if you been or going threw domestic abuse).. I am going to stand up and not allow this shit to come back into my life.. I had enough of it to being used.. not being loved.. not being respected, not being me...

So today I sit here.. pretty pissed.. Mike and I live with two roommates that finally showed there true colors .. One is a Tweeker masturbating idiot roommate.. the other one.. is just a fucking anther useless person that dose not need to breath my air. Yeah the "cool " roommate.. Naah he fucked up the final time with me... He drinks more then he breaths .. and he dose not like to pay his bills on time .. like our Comcast bill(our internet/cable bill) .. Mike and I struggle to keep food in our tummies to pay this guy (he is the main rent holder ) I mean its too the point we can barely survive on this income because no one in the house like to keep food in the kitchen, mike and I need to make sure the kitchen is cleaned because all of sudden my roommates have broken hands... anywhos Mike been giving out main rent holder 550.00 every month as agreed.. you would think that would insure us to have full function of the house right? LMAO (sarcastic) nope last month my main rent holder and holder of all the bills "forgot " to pay the Bills last month... why? because he wants to go on a trip (his 10 day paid vacation)and straight lied to Mike and I and his cousin to our faces yesterday (when he gotten home from his 10 day vacation) and because he drank most of his last paycheck he is going use the money Mike and I gave him and his cousins money to pay for this trip... 4 days ago we get our Internet and cable shut off and a 10 day notice to pay our elct or its gonna be shut off ... shocker ... instant pissed ... because no one will talk to Mike about the bills nor me... WHY IN THE FUCK  should he do that? we just give him money and clean the house and feed him right, oh did i neglect too tell you his cousin children are well fed and making sure they are happy every weekend they are here.. you know mike and I do this right? Mike and I know he used our rent money for his trip ... Mike and I struggling to keep a float ... and him he buys his beer always take outs and WE PAID HIS VACATION! Yep i am finally done being nice... Mike and I are going use our hard earned money put it too the side and save ... we are going to buy a house.. I am dead on getting it done.. every month we will go to comcast and ect and water/trash people and pay for our share of them bills then give him the left over money we owe him... dose not like that ?? this is NOT MY FUCKING PROBLEM! I am done being nice to people like him... I feel like i am forced to take care of these people when I AM HERE FOR MIKE!!! wrong wrong wrong !!!! fed up and if they want a cent more from me they can go prostitute themselves on the nearest street corner. I dont have it....

So if you finally gotten threw this long winded blog.. I want to give some advice.. this too them people that are scared to stand up for themseves or too shy, low self asteme ect... stop... I was there, been there, done that.. I was there to be a punching bag and a push over.. its not healthy for you.. Be you.. stand up for you... if you have children do it for yourself so your children can see "hey if mommie/daddy can do it i can too" always strive a step higher then your goal... always find something to fight for .. do it for you not none else.. for the love of gods that are holy exspress yourself!!! you have right to say no or fuck you... I know you do.... Never accept what is.. change it.. stand up for yourself ... Be that person I know you can be... Be a freak its fun when people stare at you with that look.. laugh.. laugh when you think you have nothing.. because you always have something... Never put yourself in a corner always find a way out .. never is one answer to anything... Live happilly dont allow anyone to change you.. its not worth it... always honor thoughs people that are there for you thick and thin... get rid of the retards that bring you down.. never accpet what is if you are not happy with it CHANGE IT.. this is your life you deserve happiness and love... if you dont have that go out and find it and dont stop until you do!!! Be good to youself

Racist.. ( I am for equal rights.. I hate everyone in some way)

all right all day and a few weeks now my FB is getting flooded with black on white and white on black (people) the Ziggermen (how ever you spell it) one for example.... Racist   is something that hits a nerve for me ...I was raised racist not joking..(the area nation and so forth KKK yeah been there done that ) My father cant stand people of color..He himself and his brother and sisters where raised that way .. My last name is well known in the south.. I was raised whats called southern Mormon.. we as women are barefoot and pregnant and speak when spoken too attitude... But my father made it clear if I ever date someone of other then white I will be no longer his daughter... Now if you are keeping up with my blog you be knowing "if my parents cant control me, how in the fuck can you?" So what did i do when I was old enough to do so.. I went out with a really great guy awesome man I still love him and hes my bestest friend known to man... and he was black.. went out with him for 3 years.... My father finally started to talk to me a year ago.. and I been broken up with the black guy for 4 years. He still makes the racist remarks and so forth.

I see it this way ... everyone blood is blue until the Oxygen hits your blood and turns red... white, black, Asian what have you.. you all annoy the crap out of me equally. so why should I not like just one race? If you want me to pick on thing i hate about humans? women... I turned racist agianst my own gender.. I dont care what color you are... you all disgust me.. well most of you that is.

Illegals annoy the crap out of me also... don't care what color you are LEGALIZE YOUR ASS and stop taking my tax's to supply people that are NOT in my country or your fucking drugs!

Russians annoy the the fuck out of me also .. why.. you come into my country that i was born and raised in and think you own my fucking gender? ROTFLMAO bitch please I can drink your hardest drink and look at you and laugh while you're all fucked up... So many times I have come agianst your kind and FUCKED you all up .. my nickname in your language means Crazy... you mean nothing to me...

Now black rappers annoy me also.. all they sing about how they can fuck some bitch and we are all sluts and we need to be owned by the rappers.. COME THE FUCK ON! rappers in general are fucking retarded ... but keep disrespecting my gender and see how well I deal with your nigger noise. Dont get me wrong there is some rappers I just love.. there beats fucking rock... But the ones that degrade women in general? and making drugs great so children can hear this.. Oh you gangsta?? naah your just a boy with nothing but your sagging fucking pants and your cars/trucks (compensating for something?) whats your problem.. Viagra not working for you? maybe you are gay and well you got to blame it on us women.




See? not just one color... Be good to yourself.

Why?

I am asking seriously why? do you understand I am the person I am simply is because I want to be.. No one on this earth is going to change that. I lived that life where I was poor needed to support my parents until I was 29 (yes I supported MY parents with a place to stay, food, emotional and so forth) in my years before i turned 18 I was already adult I did my drugs, I even sold it (never did I sell myself .. seriously ewwww) and I did that shit while I was teen. You seriously think for one moment I just woke up one day to be who I am today?... I drank people under the table on a daily bases .. I did real bad things in my past to make sure my parents where lavished with what they wanted and my brother and i barely can eat? So why do you want me to change? People like you make me fucking sick.. If you want me to change.. then look deep inside yourself seriously and ask yourself.. You that fucking Jealous of me that you have to tell me of all people to change? You think for one moment i am going to do what you ask me too? Let me educate you .. I am 35 years old .. I live my life the way I WANT IT not my problem you have a issue about my life. keep it yourself or just dont talk to me. I smoke cigs so you can breath anther breath.. I dont like my gender because of people like you.. I tell you what .. if i did give two gay rats asses about what you thought I would be retarded like you and fat as hell with no life. Trust me ... I am skinny as fuck a great BF and a life i could only dream of when I was not with him.. My attitude is simply because of people like you....

So, why did you ask me to stop smoking? do you understand I DID drugs like Cocaine, shrooms, acid. LCD, Exacy? did you know I used to drink Hard Liquar like it was water by the time i turned 13? do you realize I made 3 grand a day by the time I was 12? just selling drugs? Do realize that by time I was 10 years old I was paying my fathers bills and keeping a roof over my brother and I head? Oh yeah did I tell you I was still going to school? Making straight As. do you realize before i hit 15 years of age I was smoking fucking weed to deal with not only my drunk ass father but my psycho ass mother that hated me because I was simply a female and I was not longer useful due she took everything my father had? do you realize why I cant stand my gender??? do you realize you are breathing because I have one simple addiction Cigs... dont go there bitch.. Not really in the mood.. 18 years I been clean from drugs.. My Psychologist RECOMMENDED me to keep smoking due to ITS LEGAL this was all before i turned 18 .. she told me she fears the day I quit smoking cigs. I will die a smoker... I have a loving soon to be husband that regulates my drinking and he is proud of me that I haven't killed him yet.

I have a very violent temper ... I am very blunt and I very direct.. dont like it.. simple as this... shut it. Live your fake life the way you want it ... DO NOT TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY FUCKING LIFE! You have not a clue what i went threw and why I am the way I am.

Do you simply understand there a very few people know I am not a hard ass bitch? them few people know I will brake myself, kill my fucking self, to make sure they are ok... do you understand you will never be in this circle of elite family.. do I care you are blood.. That means we are unforgettably related .. not family. remind yourself that.. when you take that breath you so take for granted. Makes me remind myself why people like you need to just rot in hell. Be good to yourself

Mike Simon.

Are you single, married, or hooked up with a someone? Me getting married... Yep if you haven't been paying attention I am with my soul mate I love him dearly.. (Currently in spots)

How I met him I was going out with anther guy at the time and shifting going to move to Idaho.. He came from CO married to "it" his son recently died then and he needed to see his sister apparently he was separated with his now soon to be ex. (hes getting a divorce).. His sister used to be my best friend (issues is all i am going to say) and I was living at her place at the time. His sister didn't approve my relationship with the guy I was going out with then and "tried" to get Mike (my soon to be) and myself together..

Trust me it ALMOST worked! Mike and I had our own little world .. we didn't leave each others sides ever.. It was like we where hooked together.. I helped as best as I can with his dealing loosing his son and the complications of his idiot of a wife. It was the happiest 2 weeks ever in my life...

Then he left. He didn't say goodbye nothing.. He didn't want to hurt me (so he said now) and well I was so depressed I couldn't fathom loosing my other half.. WEEKS his sister tried to cheer me up.. then things happened fast and he was never forgotten... He was always there in the back of my mind wondering always how he was doing.

 I moved to Idaho... for 3 years. I ended the relationship with the guy i was with then, went out with anther guy (not my choice at the time long story) and then that didn't go well. i went back home Vancouver Washington (so pissed the fuck off with men I was starting to hate them) I was on the phone with a good friend of mine that lived up north.. haven't talked to her in years.. well she said she had just given birth to a little girl and named her Nevaeh(Mike has a girl named Nevaeh...) She asked me what Nevaeh stood for and I just went silent and told her "Heaven backwards .. need to talk to you later, I have to find someone"

That's when my balls where bigger then his and I found him (little searching) on FB and whispered him. We talked for weeks like we never missed a 3 or 4 year beat. he told me he is getting a divorce from "it" and well he couldn't stand me living in WA and him in CO and he sent me a bus ticket to CO where i am at currently...

And that bus ticket? Its framed people sitting here on my night stand to remind me.. Love is never too far away. -Be good to yourself.

They breed them people.. I FUCKING HATE MY GENDER!

Its not a secret that I cant stand my gender... in my life I seen destruction and hatred that they be stole on the male gender and I have to stand there and watch it happen.. When the male gender hates me because of my uterus and there past. I have to constantly tell and show and prove that I am not one of them.. Many years I have shown proven and just out right done things to help the male gender.. I have had this feeling since I can remember and become recast against my god damned gender.. Few women I can sit and talk to and become "friends", and a handful of you women are family in my eyes.. you know who you are.

but I tell you what rest of you women can just take a hot fucking poker and shuv it up your god damned god cunt and kill yourself from it .... you all make me fucking sick and embarrass me to know end I cant even look at you with out wanting to torture your god damned ass and hang you off a fucking spike with your head bleeding from it .... allow you to suffer the shit you have put the male gender threw I want you to go threw it 10x fold...

Two reasons why I am writing a blog tonight ..

One John... Him and I grew up together(hes my street brother) his mother is a meth addict and is one them women that I cant stand.. I raised his little brother also... He married my little sister (she is family in my eyes) she has problems with insecurities and well my little sister is sitting in her apt fucking freaking out... I dont blame her... Her husband (my brother..John) is in jail.. Let me educate you on John.. John became a SO (sex offender) when he was a teen .. it has been proven time and time again he didn't do it. But the state of WA says different and will not lift it... Well he dose not hide he is convicted SO he makes sure he registers with the state and makes sure he dose not have anyone under the age of 18 near him unless he has someone (like my sis and I and her father) are around... They gotten a next door neighbor .. she is 14 living with her recast grandmother (they are black folk) the 14 year old kept coming around .. I went to go stay with my little sister and her father when I returned from hell... and I kept seeing this little cunt bitch hitting on John and always glued too him wanting to fuck him eyes... I didn't like it ... I told my little sister to keep an eye on it.. Weeks past and my little sister went to her mothers for a bit ... I watched this little dumb bitch keep knocking on the door my brother was at the school at the time and I kept telling her he was not here... she was getting fucking annoying.. I even lied and said he was not there.. when he was.. then when I told John take care of his little twat fan.. they both went to the back room... I was not happy about it and then something hit me.. I walked to the back room.. I saw the little bitch touching John sexually(John trying to get her off of him mind you) .. I looked at John and bluntly told the little bitch to get the fuck out of the house... I told John that i was not thrilled ... I told him not to have that little bitch in the fucking house again I am not comfortable.. to make it iron clad I told my little sister father ... not comfortable.. sister came home.. I didn't explain to her why I don't want little bitch near this house.. But all I gotta say to her was I am not comfortable with her here... Now after 5 months not being in the house .. My brother is in Jail... Because of her... She told the cops that HE WAS HITTING ON HER AND TOUCHING HER IN UNCOMFORTABLE PLACES!! and "grooming her" WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!! Not even the case! I watched her hit on john when she was there touching him and kissing him and John looking at me with the "help me eyes" Plus John is too loyal to his wife... if he wanted to cheat on her he woulda CAME AFTER ME! he is very aware of the stakes of violating his parole...

Two.... Mike and I have to move to Oregon

Yeah, his divorce is in Oregon now.. I have said plenty of times I cant stand my gender... But I am not gonna say a god damned word right now .. I am too pissed about this too put it in words ... Be good to yourself

Tweeker Masturbating Idiot Roomate .. Take 1

Why? Why in the fuck do people think I am quiet and a push over? I am nice and I am very respectful to everyone (my motto is: i don't have to like you to have common respect for you... If i dont have something nice too you, you don't exist in my world and I will ignore you .. or tell you stay away from me ) and thats what i am doing with my Tweeker Masturbating Idiot Roommate. he dose not exist until he forces his self into my world.. My cool ass roommate is out of town so its the three of us.. talk about war zone.. I tend to stay down stairs (stairs kills my back) I am quiet and Mike mind his own Business also when he has to go up the stairs to the war zone .. Tweeker Masturbating Idiot Roommate (if you haven't read my other post about Tweeker Masturbating Idiot Roommate.. go read it and you will understand why I have that title for him)


I have a bad Pet Peeve.. You are gonna act like a Idiot STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME! I don't give two gay god damned rats ass's what your problem is ...ITS NOT MINE so stop your shit and take it somewhere else..Its your choice to destroy yourself and the people that care about you... THIS IS NOT MY PROBLEM... I am done with your shit ... stay the hell away from me.

Well, I didnt go to sleep until like 4 pm this afternoon (woke up at 12:30am due to being sick as fuck... people call it morning sickness "I call it a wake up call of fuck you I am bitchy.") I gotten woke the FUCK up at 7ish pm of two people yelling upstairs. Mike yelling as Tweeker Masturbating Idiot Roommate yelling right back. I have medication in my system so you must yell pretty fucking loud to wake my ass up.. I flew out of bed PISSED.... I shouted so loud I think my Neighbors crossed street heard me WHILE I AM DOWN STAIRS.. "Enough is fucking enough knock you two's petty shit off right this moment!" Mike said something to me I didn't hear him.. I said my fucking piece... I been silent for 3 god damned months and I am finally fucking done.... I shouted to Mike while Tweeker Masturbating Idiot Roommate heard me also I know he did ... I said what was on my mind quickly like... Then I am founding out they where spitting like two alley Tom cats OVER A GODS DAMNED TOASTER! Yeah woah back up .. Mike made his tuna melt thingy and he went down stairs for a moment and Tweeker Masturbating idiot roommate .. moved it... SERIOUSLY! OMFG really why is this happening?! Then a big ole huge fight over a couch that Tweeker Masturbating Idiot Roommate bought for US when we moved down stairs in retrospect Mike watching his kids last weekend! I told you Petty people.. I gotten woken up FOR THAT SHIT? So I called cool ass roommate left him a real nasty message.. while waiting for his call.. I called my  father in law(cool ass fucker I love him ) I needed to calm down I just smoked two cigs... in 10 mins ... he was trying to calm me down .. I was not having it ... Then I went inside and said loud enough everyone "until cool ass roommate calls me back... I am going to be a Bitch if I catch people down stairs that aren't supposed to be down stairs I am calling the cops!"

anyways .. I went to Tweeker masturbating idiot roommate.. after cool ass roommate text me .. I made him read it.. I told him "if you have a problem with Mike take it up with me.. This is fucking bullshit.. You are acting like fucking 3 year olds! If you need to go down stairs then you need to ask me!.... anther thing is that you need knock off your shit... I dont like you right now BUT I AM ADULT ENOUGH TO CHOKE THIS DOWN TO TALK TO YOU! fucking test me again and see what fucking happens... I heading to bed good night!"

Tweeker Masturbating idiot roommate been acting like he dominate of this house going around trying to test Mikes pateince and mine.. well... after I shouted my point... he found out that is not true and that silently I am dominate until my cool ass roommate returns and his house and I will respect that and give him his spot.. But i am done... I am going to put up with this shit anymore... If he tests me again not only will I put him in his place.. I will make sure he will feeling like shit for a long time.... Be good to yourselves

I am not your typical female. I lock my doors for your safety, not mine.

I been sitting here thinking .. three days .. I have had about enough...

so I am going to write it out. I moved to Denver Co.. to be with the man that shines the light in my blacken heart 5 years ago. I will live the life I deserve. Do I regret my past.. FUCK NO! why would I? I learned many lessons.. and still learning my lessons.

Now, I was raised with guys.. I prefer that thank you.. I cant stand my gender (very few women I can handle ) I am very used to most guys life style.. I learn much from all sorts of guys .. young and old no never mind to me... they dont bother me. Since I have lived here in this house with my soon to be and my two guy roommates I have to smile.. I am not your typical female...

I caught one of my roommate's masturbating in our game room(he had no shame apparently and want to get laid by me)... yes people I caught him... was i scarred for life? ...nope. (maybe if I have to have tons of sex with my soon to be to get that horrified image out of my head.) All I did was walk away like I never saw him .. my stomach was all sick feeling.. But it didnt bother me .. One because I get laid with the best man ever when ever I want.. and him... he such a fucking retarded idiot he cant laid if he even had one sitting there wanting to use him as a human dildo. But my idiot masturbating roommate's cousin (the cool roommate ) and my soon to be is not seeing it like I see it ... I know Idiot masturbating roommate's game... He so jealous of my soon to be.. I am the only female in the house and why cant my soon to be share god damned it??? LMAO. Two reasons .. One) I wouldn't touch the idiot roommate if my life depended on it(even when i was single not gonna happen).. even when I am drunk as fuck it wouldn't cross my fucking mind... two) not going to happen in my life time.... LOL his kind is the reason why I didnt have have sex for 2 years ....remember I learned my lessons????

There is anther fact why I wouldnt touch this  idiot masturbating roommate.. He is acting like a tweeker ... the worse fucking tweeker on this earth. He started to smoke "spice"(if you dont know what that is its fake weed that has the same properties as meth) three months ago and he gotten worse day by day.. He looks like a meth addicted he treats his children like shit and is going after my soon to be like a pit bull on rabies ... yeah to keep my soon to be in check is getting harder and harder day by day... So, tweeker idiot masturbating roommate has acted on upon himself that this is "his house" and is trying to treat everyone in this house as such ... he keeps telling his children such and it has finally gotten on my god damned nerves.. this fucktard has yet to pay rent on time(if ever pays it) and then act upon himself that he domanate over me of all people telling people I am the house bitch (mind you I have to clean up after him and his children constantly) his consistencies of his roller coaster mood swings has finally gotten me pissed the fuck off .. I tried to talk to this man  in my "small" voice telling not a good Idea to piss me off .. Not listening .. anywho day before we moved down to the basement ... he YELLED at my soon to be over a QUESTION and offer of help. So my soon to be had to over ride tweeker masturbating idiot roommate and build a dark room for a plant that need 24 hour of darkness .. Mind you my health is now in danger because of the fucking fucktard.. 2 hours in this room sent my asthma in full swing and my back legs and knees HATED ME... finally we get it finished.. I wake up to "we are taring down the dark room due to we are going down to the basement "(mind you we been begging Tweeker masturbating idiot roommate for this spot due to he sleeps upstairs (and masturbates) and so dose his children.. finally we got it??? yeah what?!) I LOST IT .. I woke up PISSED THE FUCK OFF! I said "THIS BULL SHIT!" So all day I helped my soon to be and Tweeker masturbating idiot roommate to move down all our stuff! In the end result I broke my upper hips my back is fucked up I sit here crying in pain at night when my soon to be is sleeping... thought it was just plane over this drama crap I can finally sit down stiars in nothing but a ICP t-shirt.. uhhh Nope! yesterday tweeker masturbating idiot roommate took it upon himself to "pick " the lock to my door and help himself to what the fuck ever.... Mind you this is not his first time trying to "peek in" my room while he thinks Mike and I are having sex or we are sleeping THIS IS THE THIRD TIME THIS FUCKTARD DONE IT TOO ME .. then when I thought I was fucking tweeking myself Mike (soon to be) comes home PISSED THE FUCK OFF and tell me (just woke up by then lol) that Tweeker masturbating idiot roommate called him WHILE AT HIS WORK and cursed him out so hard Mike just lost it at work... enough is enough ... shit hit the fan yesterday.. I mean Mike lost it kinda deal and I sat ther pissed that Tweeker masturbating idiot roommate BROKE in my room yet again .. Mike told our cool roommate EVERYTHING that is going on. the disbelief on our cool roommate and the feeling i got from cool roommate was PISSED... I went upstairs to clean up the filthy kitchen and plus to calm down ... then all I heard was fucking shit while cleaning ... and i blurted out "i am done mike, i am not comfortable here anymore .. we pay off cool roommate and I want to go home" that sent my cool roommate off like no ones business and well to cool down Mike and I went for a drive ...(got pulled over lmao cute ass female cop though and gave us a warning ) Our cool ass roommate went off on tweeker masturbating idiot roommate... (dont ever piss off an Mexican ) Our cool ass roommate told me if i ever feel uncomfortable in this house let him know and he will deal with it.You know I wish I was a fly on the wall yesterday ... He assured us that he not kicking us out (cool ass roommate) We came home little on edge and went down stiars and Mike slept while I felt like a tweeker myself and couldnt sleep (cant trust a tweeker masturbating idiot roommate) Mike woke up this morning and I am awake.. he looked at me shocked as hell I am still awake at 7:00am and I told him i am paranoid and go get my 10 year old pepper spray(instently i went to sleep by then) .. so he did and just worried about me ...  So sitting here by my bed is my prepper spray people...

if that mother fucker comes down here for other then getting his fucking shit out of our plant room. I am going to spray that fucker bad .. I am not messing around then I will make him wish he never breathed ... I am going to fuck the fucker up .. I dont give two god damned rats asses who the fuck he is .. I will loose it.I know me.. I lock my god damned doors for you all's safety not mine.. I have three black belts and I tell you what I proven that I can kick the living shit out of my beloved in front (Mike gotten too drunk and thought he could piss me off) of my roommates and then before that kick the living shit out of Mikes cousin for trying to take advantage of me.. I am not messing around ... Tweeker masturbating idiot roommate has anther thing coming if he fucks with me.. I had enough.. I will loose it no man will ever treat me like shit again. I wake up with the instinct of killing someone.. I was RAISED that way (remember grew up around men) and that never dies.. I have to tell my brain that certain people are not a threat .. ask my soon to be how hard it is to wake me up with out looking at him like hes a target. I have almost killed my ex husband for going after my son and I did this in my sleep .. he almost died.. So with my background and such do you dare to wake me up or try to brake into my area?? if you where smart enough you would leave me the fuck alone and let me wake up with pure silence. Be good to yourself

This is for you.... do you think I was born yesterday?

Hello people.

all right to them that are not in this drama dont worry about it .. I got 2 people here that think I was born yesterday ....

Since I banned you from not only my web site and my FBs I been thinking and I am going to respond to your shit... One of you I known for years I have raised you basicaly and you keep digging yourself in a deeper hole and expect me to save you.. I cant thank you enough for everything you have done for me.. I called you family because I protected you as such.. I stood beside you when people where on you like flys on rice.. undieing loyality... what do you do? LOL I have to laugh because you have done this shit to so many people and I am finally the last one you can shit on... You threw me away every since you getting married to a man that can be your father. Yeah I saved you from him also.. remember when he got so drunk he pulled a gun out on you.. WHO THE FUCK was there to take that fucking bullet for you? WHo was the one that told him if he ever layed a hand on you agian I will kill him? WHO? who was the one that kept being there for you when men constently raped you ... constently people on your god damned ass.. is this how you repay me??? LMAO I WARNED YOU ABOUT YOUR MOTHER! you know what really fucked up? You would rather listen to your mother and not stand by your own flesh and blood... you know i have LEGAL evadence that your mother MADE YOU HOOK FOR HER LIFE STYLE AND YOUR FATHERS! and you still talk to her? (personally she ever comes near me I will throw her ass in jail for the warrants she has).. did you know she almost killed you in Oregon and your sister? I have this legal evidence.. and you worship her like she done nothing wrong.. Well your bother needs you and all you do is believe shit that is not even close to true... Know what.. i am going to do what you do with everyone that is now useless to you.. STAY THE FUCK AWAY from me.. I will slap the shit out of you if you come near me  Think I am joking you are no longer welcome near me Nova...I dont want your drama .. your lies and your bullshit.. Bring your drunk ass BF near me and see what happens... I am not going to play this game anymore.

Jennifer.... LMAO Is all I am going to say too you... You knew who I was and still you tried to Manipulate me to believe your side of this drama.. Naah I know your kind real well.. you friends with Mikes family? yeah we knew long ago you where still BEST FRIENDS with his mother.. go ahead... I dont care... Mike dose not want to be near you... he just wants his children to see them.. But you keep thinking like Mikes mother and try to hurt him.. Well deary I know you and Nova are best friends.. I dont care.. Because Karma... is all I can say too you. You have no clue who you just talked too.. I know Oregon real well.. my home state.. and if this case dose go to Oregon? LMAO I hope so! really I do ...  So I have to be nice too you .. why because... Mike told me I have too... Just be done with yourself.. You cant win this one my dear... If you just fallowed your court order .. this shit wouldn't happen.. But .. its ok .. do what you need to do to try to convince everyone that your innocent.. YOU ARE NOT. you are a coke whore and would rather slut on the street corner for that shit.. and THEN BLAME IT ON MIKE.. LMAO addiction dear... sad your truly sad... and you wonder why I cant stand my gender.

with that ... with these two people.. everyone bare witness ... two females that manipulate and lie to get men in trouble and act like they are innocent.. they sleep with men to get either money or drugs. They make the men almost kill themselves for there selfish greed... I hate my gender people for these two simple reasons ... I cant stand people in general like these two people.. I for one have lived with both distruction and a woman that did these exact same thing.. I swore on my life I would NEVER be like these women... I will stand by people (men mainly) that have to real from there destruction. Time and Time again I have help men mainly from people like these two ... Now I am saving my life mate from this.. My final act of protection.. I would do anything for him ... and I have .. I went threw the crap I had to "act" like them.. It made me so sick to my stomich that I couldnt sleep I had to detox literately I'm going threw a professional to get help.. because I had failed my oath to not be like these people.. I almost lost Mike once and I am not going to allow it happen agian.. I would do anything for this man ... If it was not for Mike.. Constantly telling me he loves me and he yelled at me to stop he got everything he needed to know... I would of went back to drinking and doing my drug of choice... I was very close.. I was very close to ending me... I would of went back to my "old" ways and people that knows me real well.. Knows just knows thats not a rout I want to take again... I came real god damned close to doing just that.. Just one phone call and I would of ended everything I worked so god damned hard for .. gone... done.. But Mike sits here and tells me.. You are worth everything to me.. I am not going to loose you... I am here Becky .... Nice guys DO FINISH LAST and saves lives... I dont give two gay god damned rats asses about his past .. He nor I cant change it ... So why worry about it... I love you Mike ... Be good to yourselves

Not today...

"Not today"... I  love using this sentience with anyone that just annoys the crap out of me.. I adopted this sentience with my ex (now hes my best friend .. you know who you are ) I had enough kinda deal .. and I warn people "not today asswhole" I use it in my normal everyday vocab... LOL

Well I wished I used that god damned sentence last night... OK run down... my soon to be is getting a divorce his ex is one them women where red ants and honey should be applied on her in tons while she is screaming blood murder light her up and watch her burn slowly and cackle at your new way to kill people LOL think I am morbid ? hey remember this is.. if you think it dose not mean you are gonna do it.. shit its healthy to think like this... BUT DONT ACT UPON IT!

anyways she is one them women that using children to hurt someone is all right too do.. Mike .. I have known him and been around him long enough... that he is a fabulous father...(he is not a saint people but hes awesome!) I have heard eye witnesses about how EVIL this bitch is... she actually dose drugs (coke is her fave) and alcohol around the children (because she convinced the fucking state Mike was a drug lord and a threat too her and the children) she fucks these drug people for her next fix while her youngest daughter is in the closet SLEEPING! She ran to Oregon saying Mike Beat her... YES PEOPLE she one them women... I have to sit here and for 5 months (and still going) been seeing people talk to Mike and say "wow thats not your ex, she is awesome.. Great choice" Mike has been struggling with the ill affects of her.. Her mother (bitch not the good kind) banned Mike to talk to HIS CHILDREN when its a caurt order he can talk to them twice a week.. Mind you the apple dose not fall from the tree and his ex lives with her mother! I been teaching Mike to not get upset when talking the mother.. or his ex for the matter.. if you feel that they are trying to provoke a fight just tell your children you love them and hang the fuck up.. write it down and then give it to your lawyer... so it happened Mike gotten in a slight argument about wondering where is youngest daughter was and the ex's bitch of the mother started to yell at him and he said his piece and politely hung up on her. Now its been 2 months and he cant talk to his children.. funny?  I can go on with this all day of the mental abuse this shit has but on Mike... But I just want you to get a slight feel what I deal with every fucking day.

So, you get what I am up against and why I just really dont like this woman or her mother. Well minding my business on my FB. Mike was out seeing one of his buddies.. Out of no where, I shit you not... SHE whispered me wanting to talk to me... Yes people she wanted to talk to me.. Mind you she has no clue who I am nor dose she know I am waiting for them two to get a divorce. so Mike and I can get married LOL... funny right.. not for me! I was gonna get hugely annoyed on who the fuck was whispering me.. then it clicked and I just sat there.. WHAT THE FUCK DO I SAY TO THIS WOMAN!? I have huge amounts to say this woman and nothing was nice too her lol.... I wish I was not allergic to weed you know LOL I needed some right then and there.. OH yeah a few shots of the strongest whiskey would not even help... but my momma taught me "if you dont have nothing nice to say, dont say it at all" well say it just dont allow that person to hear it lol! I totaly forgot I wanted her on my FB (keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer) for two reasons.. I want Mike to see pics of his kids.. the only way he can see them you know (yes I took one for the team people) plus I gotta make sure (my piece of mind them kids are safe) the kids all right. I must be "friends" with her you know.. and BE NICE TO HER! so after 10 mins of hitting that god damned backspace so many times.... she is friends with me... Mind you 3 mins of talking to her I was dashing out of my room like a sprinter asking my roommates if they got beer .. better yet a god damned phone .. I was freaking the fuck out... BECAUSE ME BEING NICE TOO HER is like trying to give me a shot of pain killer (allergic to needles people.. I tend to "defend" myself if one comes even 10 feet of me lol) So, now i gotta watch what I post and so forth... I got wise advice from the lawyer to be nice too her and extract info from her... Ok... what now right? so I told Mike this "i went threw hell for you asswhole .. no thanks needed I want this bitch to burn in hell and for you I will do it but smokes and you not here when i talk to her. I cant play the nice little Becky if you are here LOL" I wish I just said "not today bitch" so with that .. have a great day....

Is it right?

I been very quiet.. Yes, I know.. a Lot been happening and I just got to lazy to say something.. Something did happen a couple of days ago... I got to finally see the final resting place for my soon to be's .. son.

Let me give you a background about Mike (my soon to be ) Mike was married to a woman that gave him 3 fabulous girls and one boy.. That boy died before he was born... Joesiah (I think I spelled his name right sorry Mike...) He rapped himself in his abilical cord weeks before he was born.. The mother gave birth to a still born.. Tore Mike and her up .. bad.. Well they are getting a divorce now due to her stupid ass and her not beliving the word cope .. Plus she one "THEM" women.. You know them women that makes want to berry her in a 6 inch gave cover with honey and pour tons of red ants on her.. Yeah she is the worse kind of my gender... and you wonder why I cant stand my gender in general.. people like her make me sick...

anyways I been coping the fact a little guy to special and so sweet.. could not enjoy this world with his fabulous father. Well I thought I could handle it a couple of days ago when Mike turned in to the cemetery.. while Mike gotten out to tell his son he loved him and so forth.. I was in the car.. I FELT rooted there I couldnt get out... I didnt know what came over me.. I been to the final resting place of many people I loved deeply and so forth family included ... But the profound emotion that hit me so hard I just sat there in the car... I couldnt move.. I couldnt say and god damned word to Mike when finally drove off.. I sat there looking out my window and tried so god damned hard not to show how much it hurt .. I silently cried.. rare occasion for me I show nothing like that in public... silence hit me.. Mike pulled over and cried himself.. I just sat there the rest of the ride home shedding tears from my right eye..

Right now I am tearing up just even going back to that day... I dont have a fucking clue what the fuck came over me then and now... Is it right to show this deep hurt? I have no clue.. But it feels like I lost that very child myself... I just dont know... I am trying to talk to Mike about it.. But every time I want too.. I just shut up.. why??? what the fuck came over me... So, I sit here wondering why... I dont know.. I am not an very emotional person.. I know what sympathy is and this is not it... I can relate to many people out there.. But this emotion.. this deep feeling.. BUGS THE SHIT OUT OF ME! anywhos that I gotta say about it .. Be good to yourself guys

My understanding of "cheating" and the emotion Jealously

I get asked a lot about this is word.. Cheating.. Cheating is a very common action.. and here is my definition of cheating: "if i have to find out my man fucked anther woman by someone else.. and he dose not have the balls to tell me..YOU ARE CHEATING" and I will act upon it accordingly. Years of watching and studying humans .. I still see it as I see it .. Jealously, is also goes along with cheating... something I do not have lol Seriously.. It has been proven that males mostly do not have the instinct to keep one female (or male) they need to populate more then one female (or male)... We has the population are TRAINED to keep one person.. think about it .. Before Christ was born, matter of fact when he was born.. Multiples  partners from his area .. harems for generations... until we gotten more insecure in ourselves.. We are taught to be with just one person.. mostly women have this thought.. men just fallow because they are either afraid of their females or are also trained to be with just one... Now ask yourself.. HOW MANY PARTNERS have you had before the one you are currently with? Me 10 and one nighters.. I cant remember... I have been in many settings that have more then one females and I would have huge amounts of fun with it.. currently I cant remember the name for it.. But its a group of people that just have sex in a group. My religion says it clearly sexual relations is a gift not a right.. SHARE IT...

So, now thats defined by me cheating is a control word.. I do not control my soon to be.. He trys to make me mad now days.. so he tells me he wants to a club and find a strange (had to ask him what the fuck that meant) and he said "strange pussy" I said .. COOL leave me the fuck alone, you know the rules, good luck, and have fun... He looks at me like "wtf is wrong with you?!" LOL nothing.. I dont see cheating as something that should be in any relationship.. again I am not a jealous person... I can play the card real well, and better and a lot classier then most people.. But bottom line .. naah ... go ahead.. I know who you love ,I know who you go to bed with at the end of day.. and well if I dont want sex, or cant. so why should I deprive my man the thing that he enjoys a lot... I simply cant do it... I strive to give the best very best to my soon to be husband. He asks me a lot "if i bring home a female can we have a three some" I said "if i am in the mood.. sure "  He is so not used to that.. His ex had it in her head.. he cant find anther woman but she can find every dick on the block fuck it more then once and shuv it in his face.. so he is dead on me not having anther man (really why should I? I am completely happy with him) and he will "wait". here is my problem with that.. Men.. are asswholes.dicks and just not fun to be with if they dont get enough sexual relations.. so if i cant have sex.. WHY SO WHY do i want to keep putting up with that shit from him.. shit Christ go fuck someone .. get it outa your god damned system.. Because I am damn sick of your shit.. I cant nor am I in the mood to put up... So he is now getting confidence and pride that I dont give a shit if he goes get laid by some other woman...

Now Jealousy ... This word is a emotion EVERYONE has.. some are more prone to this emotion then others.. and there is very few people like myself do not give in this emotion... Brake down Jealousy people.. go look it up and BRAKE IT DOWN.. Its a insecurity  in one self and feels or acts upon it... I am very aware of this emotion and many things can trigger this emotion.. ITS NORMAL! But when you are with someone you truly love.. This is an emotion that needs to be checked and controled EVERYDAY.. remind yourself who ever you are with they love you because of what ever that attractted them too you.. So why get Jealous if your man/woman looks at anther hot female/male? what the fuck is your problem ??? remind yourself its your insecurity that is making you act upon what ever... also Jealously can be VERY HARMFUL in your relationships .. if you are insecure with yourself DO NOT GO OUT WITH SOMEONE.. because that will affect your relationship! Jealousy is also anther control trigger... don't give in and relax damn it ... If your relationship is meant to be.. LET IT HAPPEN! relax... If you cant control the action that caused you to get jealous in the fist place.. I advise you to get help for it... end your relationship...

Here is why I tell you this... I have a busted up right eye socket.. currently a metal plate is holding up my right eye socket.. the right side upper teeth are kicked in I dont have a right front tooth... why? because a guy I known most of my life I thought he wouldnt hurt me (my mistake) gotten jealous of the fact I was happy (yes stupid) he came after me and hit me in the face broke my eye socket .. then kicked me in the teeth... BECAUSE HE WAS JEALOUS!!!!! He couldnt control me with his own insecurities !!!

Oh it gets better.. I thought i was over the asswhole prick and went out with anther man.. I helped him threw difficult times and we became invalved I only wanted him as a fuck buddy and he kept telling people we where together... I said fine (this will be a year ago with this last dumb fuck, and 2 years from the ass munch that punch me in the eye) I went along with it and shit was fine for a long while ... he started to go down hill FAST (mind you i dont cheat on my men nor he dose not cheat on his women .. cheating as we never stepped out and fucked other people) when I started to talk to my best friend... mind you my best friend is black man that is one of my ex's. and then he HIT ME started to choke me .. he said i was fucking my ex.. umm no hes a ex for a reason, why should i go back to that.... then this started to happen more frequent when he stopped smoking his weed and started to drink more.. then one morning (3am) I started talking to myself (usually do in the mornings call me weird) and he woke up and fucking came after me with KNIVES! I was DONE no man will ever make feel lower then them ever again.. I SNAPPED... I was waiting for it ... and he came towards me and put me in a head lock and I used everything, I got outa of it .. then he came after me and I side kicked him and BROKE HIS RIBS.. this man is bigger then me and out weighs me.. I have 3 black belts people.. I had about enough of this shit.. I broke his ribs and started to beat on him... with a glass tube that is solid... I was done.. this man will die... then he popped up and came after me with two knifes ... I looked at him dead in the eye and told him "you got one chance to hit me mother fucker and then you will die slowly and painfuly" he stepped forward and what happened amazed me LOL I dropped kicked him in the face.. he hit the floor and I almost killed him with the ass whoopin he will soon not forget. I had to get outa there so I ran out .. he was fallowing me and I needed to call the cops.. he wouldnt leave me alone he grabbed my long hair and I round housed him and he hit the house hard... I dont remember much but i do remember by the time it was said and done I was shaking so hard and trying to control my anger.. the cops showed up lol and told me I needed to clam the fuck down .. I dont remember this part but I know the cops they sent me there reports .. then he WENT TO JAIL.. after the hospital... his ribs where shattered his jaw was broken in 4 different places and his nose was shattered.  cracked his forhead... I also broke his back in two different places. I told you guys this man will die, or wished he was dead.

So now.. Jealousy is a very evil emotion..CONTROL IT... or you will end up where i was.. I dont take out my past on my soon to be husband but he is very aware what happened to me and he very careful on certain things and trigger words and actions... I love him with all my heart and I tell you what I will die to him and he for me... be good to yourself ....

My Computer can beat up your computer!

Ok, Why? why do people think they can say shit on the internet and think that's that.. They think they can trash a person or a group of people and think that would do something.. Well, I keep wondering this.. I keep telling people.. what you say to me ... on the net DOSE NOT AFFECT ME! Words don't bother me on the net or in person.. Its a form of control... and NO ONE CONTROLS ME! but me.. you can advise me, or help me out, but if i think your trying to control me.. LMAO brick wall, with a boot in your face. My parents told my boyfriends,friends and other people since i can remember this saying "If we (parents) cant control her. Then how in the fuck can you?" With a degree in Child and Criminal Psychology, I know all the trigger words and body language of people with control issues. I am one defiant person, I set my own path. If you like to walk BESIDE me, then so be it.. I take extra steps not to control people.. I never really tell people what to do.. I say my opinion. its their choice to fallow it or leave it... I don't like people telling me what to do.. I look at them with a look that say "and what Med are you skipping today? apparently a pain killer .. thus you're gonna get a kicked in the face in...3....2...1" I have huge patience with my Soon to be husband. He tells me what to do and I look at him with that look.. and say "excuse me?" giving him that that chance to rephrase his demand... LOL... and if dose not even get it. the word is NO and do not tell me what to do.. You are not my parents or the government.. Then, I ignore him for the rest of the day LOL.. He's getting it ... He's highly smart man...

But back to the issue at the hand.. So many young adults and children live on the computer now days.. and cyber bulling is huge.. I been noticing it and I dont like it. There is so many people that have low self asteme and to tell someone they are fat ugly or other foul shit to make themselves feel "bigger" like  they do now PISSES me off... Now our government is finally noticing these things.. what?! how many suicides been caused because people cant keep there own insecurities to themselves and bash on someone less forchent in money hair what ever.. So what if your fat, so what? or you got a bad hair day constently... You need to understand you are on this earth to thrive and  learn and be who you need to be.. Take it from a person that gangly, skinny and "plane", parents that where not the parents of the year.. ever, and I never really got popular... I beat the living snot out of Bullys that picked on the less fortunate   .. I had a LOT of anger issues. I took out on senors that picked on kids in wheelchairs.. I got suspended constantly for putting football players and cheerleaders in the hospitals... Just because they made someone with down syndrome or a less fortunate person cry... Mind you, I was like 4'11 until I was 16 lol. Now I am 5 foot 7.. almost 5 foot 8.. same evil temper though and same attitude.  Still, I will not tolerate adult bulling or child bulling... So I play the "evil bitch" card and man they dont like it... Again I have immunity to the bull shit, and please try to take a swing at me. Give me a reason to beat the shit out of you! To them parents that think "its a fact of life to get tormented in school"I got one thing to tell you "fuck you.. you are no better then them people that beat on there children,women or men" you allow your children to do this shit you are not better then Molesters, Rapist and children beaters. Come talk to me in person. I put money on it, that you.. you either have the "come to Jesus " talk, or you wish to god you raised your child better.
I do get them people that there nut sack is bigger then their mouth and TRY TO BASH ME ON THE NET .. I toy with them and you must hear me in person.. I AM LAUGHING MY FUCKING ASS OFF! Test the theory... Most people try with me.. and find out I look at them and say my opinion and they take swing at me because apparently I am right.. I KNOW i won.. Next.. I am bored .. so with that lovelys I am out and gonna go cause some hell before i take my nap... be good to yourself....

Sleepless in CO

Yes, this title fits me real well today.. I have been up for now almost a day.. Oh no I am quite tired people I am pregnant. I am now always tired and I am one mean fucking bitch... I have now a ear ache.. in my left ear mostly.. as my cousin put it so wisely she is a big baby once a ear infection hits!!.. I wanted to spend some time with my soon to be victim err husband so I  thought laying down for a couple of hours will do the trick.. Oh hell no.. Mind you I already went to the ER already a day ago for this infection.. and they tell me (my papers tell me way different. not thrilled) that my ears are just fine.. Well I dont have a PhD or anything .. BUT MY GOD DAMNED EARS HURT ASSWHOLE!!!! witch case there is something wrong.. He tells me "nope, just put these drops in them twice a day and if it dose not clear up set up an appointment" Now i got these questions.. if my ear is fine nothing is wrong with them.. then why in the holly fuck are you giving ear drops? and why dose my discharge papers say I have fluid behind my ear drum?" and my last question "where in the fuck did you get your doc license? the cracker jack box?" I hate, no I loath taking any pain or antibiotic pills.. I told them this before.. But they give me this look like i am drug addict.. so I gave them that attitude of "you dont know shit, dont touch me" Then I am glad.. seriously glad I didnt lay down on there "bed" I dont know about you. but i know every room you go in it should be stripped and cleaned right? the sheets on this bed has black hair(I am strawberry blond LONG hair these where pretty short) on it and like yellowish mark on it and white spots on it ... Umm I sitting right on one them chairs thank you.. told soon to be "if i get head lice from this place because they are too lazy to change the freaken sheets? I am suing the holly fuck out of them..." So... I went to sleep that night well part sleeping part wanting to rip my fucking ear drum out.. BTW the drops dont work.. all they do is make my ear itch lol... it takes like 20 mins to even convince myself I need them (ear is very sensitive tickles REAL EASY) once one drop thinks about entering my ear.. I am shaking my head  like a dog getting ear drops.. So its not worth even thinking about putting them in my ear. So day two with this ear infection and no sleep... I tired EVERYTHING under the sun to go to sleep and I am still up .. Mind you yesterday I finally got up (went to sleep at 1pm yesterday) around 9ish I dont remember... so yes I am tired I am cranky and I want someone to say something stupid to me today.. see how well that goes.. right...

Today is a good day to review how anger management paid off.

Well, Today is a excellent day to review and recap why anger management paid off ,when I was a teen. Let me give you a brief recap who I am. My name is Becky .. My old friends I known for years call me Spazz or my graphic tag name is A Spazz Creation. All my crazy Fbers knows me as Onixx Jewel. I am turning 35 May 2nd and I have kids.. non biological and demons that where spawned by myself and their sperm donors. I am getting married and my past brought me here in Co with my soon to be husband. I live with two roommates boys (yes.. Yes I am the only female in this house and I like it that way).. So my life lessons brought me to this place.. I know a lot and seen to much.. You know how this story goes. Anyways one of my roommates has three kids (set of twins and his daughter that is older) they come and visit every Friday(night)-Sunday (morning). I am chill with that... I love the kids MOST times. the set of twins are 3 and the daughter is 6 or 7 cant remember. Their mother is shady as fuck and I can see it when I venture out to see them (I stay in my room most days) any ways... We been having problems with the father of these kids.. You now, he realized he knows EVERYTHING AND THIS IS HIS HOUSE AND WHAT HE SAYS GOES(when its not really he pays no rent and eats the food that he dose not buy you know moocher. We (soon to be hubby and I) clean up after the children and him constantly).. when it comes down too it... and what is his is his and whats ours is his.. Yes.. You read that correctly.. But hes not like this when he smokes REAL weed or dose not get TOO drunk.. Now you get where i am coming from? He smokes that fake weed (in front of his children) and drinks until hes stupid as fuck. Hes a great guy I swear.. But these last few weeks I feel like he needs not to breath my air. His children came over Friday.. No one tells us (soon to be hubby and I) we where going to watch the children .. Why? the father had to work the night shift and SOMEONE had to watch his kids while he was working .. News to me right? yeah Not thrilled.. 10pm kids are passed the fuck out.. I am glad my soon to be hubby is used to this shit...I came out and cleaned up the kitchen . I flat refused to even see the kids Friday.. But at a 6am (dad came home oh around 2:30am) Saturday morning the children thought it would be a very wise idea to wake up and completely tare up the living room the dining room and the down stairs while daddy was sleeping... NOT A FUCKING JOKE! for an hour these children where up.. They woke me up 15 mins after I heard SCREAMS and running down the hall (where my bedroom is) 6am people... I sat in the room hearing this shit for an hour wondering where the father was... So i venture out.. OMFG I was PISSED one I just went to sleep like 2 hours before hand.. two, THESE ARE NOT MY FUCKING KIDS WHERE IS THE FUCKING PARENT! ... so I went down stairs.. father JUST GOTTEN UP! and I just shook my head and let him know his children have been up since 6am and running down the hall screaming and giggling and it is not cool. He didnt like that comment and I just shrugged it off.. in my mind i was killing him very slowly in many ways.. Then i asked the kids to help me clean up the war area.. and the father BITES my head off and said "we got it!" I just walked away seriously people he almost got his head bashed right into a beam... I was so fucking pissed off he had THE NUT SACK TO EVEN THINK ABOUT  biting my head off.. I sighed deeply and forced myself to turn and walk back up the stairs. I went to my room now fuming .. then I got this urge to eat something so i quietly walked back out and made me something to eat.. and the father almost walks right into me and his demeanor was completely changed.. I mean kissing ass change calling me Miss Becky (don't mind it my brothers children are taught to call me either aunt Becky or Miss Becky) either Bi Polar or he smoked his fake shit again.. this is how he is all the time he snaps so hard so fast ... then he turns around and is nice and kissing ass.He's like this with his children also...I dont know what to do or say with out wanting to punch him right in the fucking face... So I stay in my room and just shut the fuck up ..